


the confusion of feelings

by jiminnienuggets



Category: Fear the Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: First Kisses, M/M, Nick's POV, absolutely anything!! im good with smut too, hehe, lots of confusion and curiosity on both their part, prompt!!! kinda, send me more prompts please :3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-22
Updated: 2018-09-22
Packaged: 2019-07-15 10:16:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16061021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jiminnienuggets/pseuds/jiminnienuggets
Summary: Troy always managed to make Nick confused and curious. He was pretty sure he knew why.





	the confusion of feelings

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Mrs_Tony_Padilla](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mrs_Tony_Padilla/gifts).



> Hello!! This was (kind of) a prompt from the lovely Mrs_Tony_Padilla !! At least they mentioned a thought of Troy and Nick's first kiss being while they were rolling around on the ground and this isn't exactly that but I got inspired. Don't worry though, I will still be writing your real prompt as well! I hope you guys enjoy this :3 if you guys have a prompt as well, please leave them in the comment section or over at my tumblr ( channiekangaroo )!!

Nick had somehow gotten Troy onto his back. Despite the older being more muscular, Nick always seemed to manage to get his “friend” on his back.

He supposed they were friends at least. Maybe they weren’t supposed to be, maybe it was smarter if Nick just kept pretending (keep your enemies closer and all that), yet, something told him that they were friends. The sad part was that Troy was probably the best friend he’d had since middle school, since before all of the drugs and shit. 

What kind of fucked up shit was that, honestly? Troy had (likely) shot his girlfriend. Troy had murdered all of those people. Here he was, however, straddling Troy. trying to hold back a grin as the two of them laughed. 

Troy’s blue eyes sparkled, illuminated only by the moonlight shining in through the window. Nick felt at peace when he saw that smirk. Something about a genuine smile from a man who probably so rarely did not out of cruel enjoyment made Nick happy. Especially since the smile was his doing.

He didn’t even know how long he sat there, on top of Troy, before he spoke. It was a familiar phrase. One Troy seemed to enjoy saying and one Nick could do without thinking of.

“Time me, Nicky?” Troy didn’t need to explain his words. Nick already knew. “If you ever decide to actually kill me, time it. Write it down.”

“What’s the point if you’re dead?” Nick had always wondered. 

“You won’t be.” It wasn’t quite an answer, buck Nick still understood what Troy was trying to say. He didn’t push it further, his eyes still flickering across the plains of Troy’s face from the bridge of his nose to the slight beard on his chin. He didn’t know why he did, why he was so curious about the facial structure of someone, especially someone like Troy. But he was, and Troy seemed to notice.

“Comfy, Nicky?”

Nick then realized the exact position that they were still currently in. Troy’s eyes still sparkled, but this time more in a confused state rather than a humorous one.

“Right…” Nick shook his head and climbed off of his friend. “Right. Sorry.”

“No worries.” Troy sat up and leaned back against the wall next to Nick. Their arms brushed and Nick felt his body grow warm, positive that it wasn’t just from the hot Texas air. 

The two of them fell silent, but it wasn’t anything uncomfortable or awkward. Nick, strangely, never felt uncomfortable around Troy. It was easy to be as much himself as he could possibly be, even though he even barely knew whom he was himself, most days. 

The crickets and cicadas were loud, uninterrupted by any other noise except for the sound of their breathing. Some days, Nick missed the sounds of the old world. LA had always been so noisy. No room to think or even breathe at times. Nick had felt so suffocated in that world, unsure of his place or where to go. But now he had almost too much time to think, sometimes. Like now.

His head felt heavy as he thought about the reason his skin felt warm at the slightest graze against Troy’s. The feeling was so similar to the way he had felt around Gloria and then Luciana. But this was Troy. The man who was responsible for the deaths of people Nick had come to care about, the man who had come so close to killing Luciana, not to mention himself. 

Yet, as he glanced over at the older next to himself, still so silent and appearing to be lost in his own thoughts, Nick felt the absence of anger. He wasn’t angry at Troy anymore, not for any of it. When had that happened?

“Do you ever…” Nick blinked in surprise when Troy was the first to break the silence. “Wonder what you would be like, where you would be right now, if the dead never rose?” Try turned his head towards him, but Nick was stunned into silence, unsure of how to reply.

He had never wondered, and now that Troy had asked, he too was curious about who he would be now.

“I think--” Troy begins, not giving much of an opportunity for Nick to speak, but that was okay, because he really wasn’t sure what he would say. “For me, things wouldn’t be much different. Still on the ranch, still getting prepared for the apocalypse. One thing would be different though. I wouldn’t have you as my friend.”

Nick was unsure of what response to give. What could he even say? Troy was right. If not for the dead rising, he and Troy would never have met. Travis would still be alive, Chris, and Chris’ mother. Maybe even Gloria--but no. She had died over an overdose. Calvin would still be dead. Nick would probably be in prison for manslaughter. It was self-defense, but drugs were involved, so probably manslaughter. And he would never have met Luciana. 

Or Troy. He would never have met Troy. Why did that thought hurt more than not meeting Luciana? 

“I’d be in jail.” He answered, finally, somehow able to feel Troy’s gaze into the side of his face. “Maybe dead, I don’t know. But at least in jail.”

“Jail, huh? You’re going to have to tell me your life story sometime, Nicky.”

Nick just sighed, his lip twitching just a little at the nickname. His family had always called him that, but he somehow liked it better coming from Troy.

“Another tale for another day, Troy.” Troy gave a playful groan, before pushing himself of the ground. Nick eyed the hadn held out to him, covered in cuts from fighting and calluses from years of working on the ranch. Nick took in a breath and grabbed the offered hand, pulling himself up with his friend’s help. His skin tingled again and he glanced up at Troy, surprised to find Troy looking back at him as well.

His breath suddenly got a little faster and he clenched his fingers a little tighter around Troy’s. He felt a little unsure all of a sudden, and in need of comfort, but Troy would--could--never be the right person for that sort of thing.

He pulled his hand free from Troy’s, still feeling the heat flow from the tips of his fingers and all throughout his body. 

“Are you okay?” There was an obvious sound of confusion to Troy’s voice, but Nick only nodded and stuck his hands into the pockets of his pants.

Nick licked over his lips, eyes darting to Troy’s before moving back up his face towards the blue eyes staring right back at him. He wanted to do it. Maybe because he was lonely, maybe he was just curious to see how Troy would react. It wouldn’t be his first time kissing a guy. He had never been too hung up on gender, mostly too preoccupied with getting his next fix.

Yet, as he watched Troy’s tongue dart out over his own lips, this felt much less like simple curiosity and much more just the simple fact that he… actually wanted to kiss him.

So that’s what he did. He leaned in the short distance and soon his lips were pressed to Troy’s. There was an intake of breath from the older man, one that Nick quite enjoyed the feel and sound of. It caused him to press in a little harder, his lips forming a puzzle of sorts with Troy’s.

Nick wasn’t sure of the type of response he quite expected from Troy, but the feeling of pressure being applied to his lips in return and a hand grasping at the back of his shirt was not it. 

The kiss was different than with Gloria or Luciana. More facial hair for one, but it was less soft, less the things that had made those kisses special. Not that this kiss wasn’t, but it was drive more out of primal need and curiosity than anything else. 

Or maybe Nick was fooling himself. He liked Troy. Perhaps it was strange considering he was an actual murderer--someone who did it out of pure enjoyment and not really out of necessity--but he found it difficult to not like Troy. He had tried. 

The guy had done some horrible shit, but hadn’t they all at this point? Was there ever really a good excuse to kill someone? So why pretend they were all so much better than Troy when Troy was actually the only one who ever owned up to it? They weren’t any better than him, not even a little.

Eventually, the kiss broke and Nick loosened his grip he hadn’t realized he’d had from Troy’s jacket. He cleared his throat, glancing up to see his friend’s expression, both confused, but also somehow… intrigued?

So you are okay?” Troy questioned, a small chuckle escaping his lips. “It’s okay, Nicky. Everybody gets curious--at least, that’s what I’ve heard. Never felt much the urge.” He raised his brows, those lips pulling up into a little smile. “Nobody ever interested me enough. Until now.”

The words hung and Nick tried to pretend as if they didn’t affect him as much as they so obviously did. 

“It’s just a kiss, Troy--” he leaned forward, speaking slowly, his words drawn out and sarcastic. “Doesn’t have to mean anything.”

Troy made an unsure face, still grinning with that stupid smirk that Nick had somehow come to enjoy so very much. “Doesn’t it though?” Nick rolled his eyes and turned to walk off. “I mean, pretty sure Luciana would feel like it mean something.”

“Don’t--” he turned back, his eyes narrowed, but there was no fight, no real anger in them. And Troy could see that. 

“Don’t what? If you were really still angry about Luciana, you wouldn’t be my friend. You wouldn’t have kissed me just now.” Nick knew he was right. When it came to Troy, all anger and spite had left him long ago.

“You feel it, don’t you, Nicky?” Troy continued and Nick stayed silent to let him explain. “The connection here? BOth of us are alone. No one really… gets us. They never have. They don’t want to. But me and you…” Troy stepped closer, causing Nick to have to steady his breathing. “We thrive in this world. That scares them--scares your mom.”

“My mom thinks she’s adapting to this world.” He said, feeling eyes on him, already speaking the question.

“Do you think Madison is adapting?”

There was a brief hesitation in which only the cicadas outside could be heard. “No. She’s letting it swallow her… twist her into… the person she’s always been.”

“And you’re not being swallowed? Twisted?”

“I’m trying to not let it. It’s hard some days. But you have to just… go with it.” Troy lifted a hand then, looking as i he wanted to touch Nick in some way, but his hand was eventually dropped back down to his side and Nick was left feeling a little disappointed.

“Nick… why don’t you meet me back here tomorrow. There’s something we should talk about.”

“Why don’t we just talk about it now, Troy?” It was a fair question, but Troy only shook his head.

“No… no, it needs to be tomorrow.”

Nick looked at him, both curious and also wary about what the older man wanted to talk to him about. “Okay. Tomorrow then, Troy.”

\--

It was tomorrow and Troy was nowhere to be seen.

Nick sighed, watching the cigarette burn down between his fingers. He’d been waiting for awhile now, but Troy had yet to show. Unless he was already there and just not making Nick aware. The idea made Nick slightly annoyed, but he also knew it was a definitely possibility. More than that even; a probability, something Troy would definitely do.

“Troy,” he called, putting out his stub of a smoke against the porch. “Troy, come out or I’m just going to leave. I don’t have the patience to be waiting for you all night.”

“I was timing to see how long it took you to figure out that I was already here.” Troy chuckled and there was a slight shuffling as Troy came out from wherever he had been hiding. Nick only looked up when Troy settled himself down beside him.

“Yeah? And how long did it take then?”

“About six minutes and forty-seven seconds.” Nick hummed and nodded before leaning back onto his hands, letting his eyes drift over the length of Troy’s seated body.

“So what did you need to talk to me about that you couldn’t tell me yesterday? His words were slurred just as they always were. It was a habit of speech, something that had come about from the years he had spent mostly being high. 

“I just had to… think yesterday. A lot of things to process, you know?” Nick looked at his friend curiously, the look on Troy’s face being one that he wasn’t used to seeing. “After last night, I had a lot to think about.”

“You mean that kiss?” Nick almost didn’t mention it, almost didn’t want to bring it up, but the smile Troy shot him when he did made him not regret it.

“That… do you… like me, Nicky?”

Nick was taken aback by the question, it not being words that he had expected to come from Troy’s mouth. “Would I be here if I didn’t like you?” He avoided the question, instead firing back with one of his own.

“Maybe.” Troy replied. “Maybe--I mean, Jake still sticks around me, my dad, all of those people.”

“Jake is your brother, he loves you. Your dad is an ass, but he loves you too.”

“They’re my family.” Troy said pointedly and Nick met his gaze. “They feel some sort of… obligation to me, some sort of responsibility because of my actions and because they’re my family. But they don’t like me. Neither does anyone else. Do you, Nicky?”

Does he? Nick had to think about it, honestly. He thought about the day they met. Luciana, all of those people. He thought about all of the horrible things Troy had done. ALl the people he had murdered, probably more than he even knew about. But then he thought of the way, how in his own mind, he really wasn’t trying to be a bad guy. He’d been raised brutally, but Troy seemed to have respect for Nick. And Nick strangely respected the Troy that sat beside him now. 

“Yeah,” He said finally as he let out a breath and grabbed his remaining cigarette from his pack. “I like you, Troy.”

He had meant it to come out sounding sarcastic, bu this words were more genuine than he wanted them to be instead. 

“Good,” Troy’s words were relaxed in a way that they normally weren’t and suddenly the older was leaning forward until their lips were pressed together, similarly to the night before.

This time, however, Troy was initiating and Nick was left with his eyes wide, the feeling of shock, similar to how drugs could make him feel, coursing through his veins.

“Troy--” he began, but Troy only pressed in more, his rough hand grasping at his shoulder firmly to hold him in place. The rational, more sane part of Nick told him to put a stop to this, that anything with Troy would lead nowhere good, but the moment passed and soon Nick forgot all about consequences in favor of sliding his hand up to Troy’s cheek. 

The scratchiness of his facial hair scraping against his palm only made Nick give a small groan. Soon his lips were parted and Troy’s tongue was pressing into his mouth. 

Nick gave in. The resolve to fight it just wasn’t there. It was the end of the world, or the start of a new one depending on how a person viewed it. Through all that, why not just let himself have this? Something he wanted. Something that Troy also obviously wanted.

Nick was no stranger to kissing, but he couldn’t imagine Troy ever having much opportunity. But if he lacked experience, he definitely didn’t show it. Troy’s hadn was now on his waist, clenching it and Nick practically feasted on the kiss. Troy didn’t seem any less excited however. Maybe he was even more excited than Nick. 

When the kiss eventually ended, Nick was left almost breathless with Troy staring at him in a seeming daze. He tapped his fingers against the ground before lighting up the cigarette he’d been about to smoke. “That good, huh?” Nick rolled his eyes and took another drag, but mostly to hide his smile.

Yeah, it was pretty good.


End file.
